SubscribeAuthor: Allie Brosh
Crack/Cocaine/Meth-Addiction Employment Plan
I was thinking the other day about money and work and how those things relate to me, and suddenly I thought “what if I get addicted to cocaine or meth and end up having to sell all of my belongings to support my habit?” Because, really, who can control that sort of thing?
I decided that, to be safe, it would probably be best to figure out how to advertise my personal belongings to maximize profit BEFORE my mind becomes all… More »
Allie Brosh Presents: Five Ways To MAKE Her Love You
It can be frustrating when someone you love doesn’t love you back. Luckily, there are some steps you can take to remedy the situation.
1. Classical conditioning
2. Scent-mediated deprogramming
Disable the reasoning center of her brain by coating yourself with a variety of extremely strong, unrelated scents (such as Axe body spray, carpet deodorizer and deer urine) and then standing near her. Her small brain cannot process so many odors at once and she will become incapacitated and thus vulnerable to your advances. Convince her that she loves you while… More »
Allie Brosh Presents: Five Breakup-Prevention Strategies
When you’re being broken up with, you may feel helpless and unable to prevent the heartache before you. But that’s because you aren’t trying hard enough! Here are five strategies to manipulate your way out of a break up.
1. Create a Language Barrier
Pretend you can’t speak English. Even if you’ve spoken English thousands of times within earshot of your significant other, no one can prove that you haven’t suddenly forgotten the entire language. And no one can break up with… More »
Allie Brosh Presents: My First Day At Work
As a shy and socially awkward fourteen-year-old who had never been employed before, I applied to be a bus-girl at a local restaurant and, to my surprise, they actually hired me. I was really nervous, so I showed up 45 minutes early to my very first day of work. Just in case.
Immediately upon entering the establishment, I was yelled at by a very angry lady who looked like a gypsy and smelled like gin-sweat and cheap cigarettes.
Terrified, bewildered and desperate to… More »
Allie Brosh Presents: Vortex of Meaninglessness
During the first few weeks of every one of my relationships, I’ve gone through a weird little transition period of panic and questioning. It doesn’t matter how much I like the person. It always happens.
In the beginning, there is nothing but merriment.
The other person seems to walk around against a backdrop of rainbows and fantasies.
But then one day, you’ll be standing there talking to them about something inane and harmless, and suddenly something shifts and the person suddenly seems unfamiliar…. More »
Allie Brosh Presents: Six Ready Made Personal Ads
More and more people are turning to the internet to find love. Dating sites, Craigslist and even many forums are full of potential soul mates. But writing an original ad or making your profile stand out can be tiresome. That’s why I’ve prepared six ready-made personal ads for you, each focusing on a different way to make people date you.
1. Pique their curiosity
2. Lower their expectations
When you were a kid, you probably figured out that your mom would be more… More »
Allie Brosh Presents: 4 Super Romantic Ways To Dump Your Girlfriend
Girls are total suckers for romance, so it makes sense that the perfect way end to a romantic relationship is with a romantic breakup. Impress you future ex-girlfriend with these four creative ways to finish on a high note. More »
Allie Brosh Presents: 6 Ways To Establish Workplace Dominance
In the modern workplace, everyone wants to stand out as a leader. Everyone wants to be respected and admired by their coworkers. This is normally achieved through hard work, dedication and good interpersonal skills, but I’m going to give you a few shortcuts based on ancient, unquestionable principles of dominance.
1. Use your appearance to stand out as much as possible.
Have you ever seen a peacock that is wildly successful but also brown and unimpressive-looking? No. You haven’t. Unfortunately, brightly… More »
Allie Brosh Presents: 5 Ways To Put The Surprise Back In Your Sex Life
People aren’t satisfied with regular sex anymore. They want to shake things up and explore new frontiers. They want excitement and possibly even danger.
If you are looking for new ways to bring excitement into your sex life, look no further. The following five techniques are virtually guaranteed to turn you into a goddess of unpredictability.
1. The Sniper
There’s no better way to create surprise and excitement than randomly ambushing your partner at a time of great vulnerability. Hide in the bathtub and wait for your partner to come in and try to use the toilet. No one expects a sexual ambush on the toilet.
2. The Car Alarm
Sudden, loud noises add mystery and unpredictability.
3. The Emergency
What better way to get your man’s adrenaline pumping than to pretend that you are having a seizure or suffering an aneurysm during sex?
4. The One Where You Run Away
Men love a challenge. To satisfy his innate desire to chase and catch things, why not get up in the… More »
Allie Brosh Presents: 4 Totally Legitimate Uses For Sequins
Sequins. What would the world be without them? Before you answer, wouldn’t you like to know a little more about how useful they are? Read on…
Sequins are almost infinitely useful.
To elaborate on that assertion, here’s some indisputable proof:
1. Sequins can be used to confuse your enemies:
Sequins are the visual equivalent of pepper spray. Based on a study using gerbils, sequins are 89% effective at preventing attacks when suddenly introduced into a potential attacker’s environment (in this case, by throwing.)
One of… More »
Allie Brosh Presents: Zombeauty Part 3
Last week we helped Chloe learn how to use body glitter and Axe spray to distract from the fact that she is basically just a walking corpse. This week, we’ll be taking our expertise to the next level and beautifying the hardest case yet!
Meet Gloria:
Gloria, I’d ask you how you are, but you don’t have any of the body parts necessary to generate speech or to even make rudimentary gestures, so we’ll just get started, okay?
Let’s be honest here; you’re… More »
Allie Brosh Presents: ZOMBeauty Contestant #2!
Last week on ZOMBeauty, we helped Karen learn to dress right for her level of decay. This week, we are going to take on a tougher case.
Our second zombie is Chloe.
Chloe has been undead for a little over three months now. She lives in Georgia, so the heat and humidity have certainly taken their toll on her skin and facial features, causing them to rapidly decay in a most unattractive way. But ZOMBeauty is here to help! With the right… More »
Allie Brosh Presents: ZOMBeauty – A Makeover Show For Zombies
Our first zombie is Karen.
Karen is fairly new to being undead, so her flesh is still sort of supple and she doesn’t smell horribly yet. She died in a massacre, so she’s totally covered in blood and her neck is mangled beyond recognition, but other than that, she’s a very pretty young lady. Let’s see what we can do for her.
Hi Karen, how are you today? That’s good. Let’s get started.
First of all, I’m going to need you to change… More »
Allie Brosh Presents: An Open Letter to Sandal Boots
Dear sandal boots:
Are you being serious? When I saw a pair of you for the first time, I thought you were joking, but your ongoing presence in society has me questioning that first assumption of mine. Do you realize that you make absolutely no sense in any way? I could be walking down the street in a crotchless clown costume and suddenly stop and lie down on the ground and scream as loud as possible for no reason before… More »
Allie Brosh Presents: Summer Fashion For Hipsters
If you are a hipster, your lifestyle comes with some unique challenges during the summer; namely, how to not die from hyperthermia under all those layers and copious ironic accessories.
As a hipster, you can’t just abandon your scraggly facial hair, hoodie, and vintage scarf and jacket in the name of homeostasis. No. You’re better than homeostasis. When you feel hot, that’s just your hypothalamus trying to keep you down. It’s oppression is what it is. What you need to do… More »
Allie Brosh Presents: Skinny Stilts
Last week we talked about The Flattener – a revolutionary new product that uses the power of gravity to crush the fatness out of you. The week before that, we took a look at a product called Weasel Belt that uses the power of weasels to gnaw away those pesky pounds. This week, we’ll cover the most revolutionary product yet!
Skinny Stilts trick the viewer into believing that you aren’t fat by making you look like a height/weight proportionate, giant lady-monster… More »
Allie Brosh Presents: The Flattner (With Bonus U-Skinny Rope!)
Remember when we talked about the Weasel Belt? That was so much fun!! Ah, memories. But the fun isn’t over yet! This week, we’ll be highlighting the next line of products in our three-part weight-control extravaganza!
Introducing…
This is pure, hard science, folks. When God made gravity, He obviously intended for it to be used for something. Well, we’ve finally discovered what that might be! Did you know that when gravity is paired with something heavy, it can be used to flatten… More »
Allie Brosh Presents: The Weasel Belt
Are you one of the millions of people frustrated by get-thin-quick schemes? Sick of buying every vibrating belt, shaking weight and diet pill you come across only to be devastated by the total lack of results? Well, you might be surprised to hear that there are at least three products that GUARANTEE results! Here is the first in a three-part, educational series on these wonderful products!
The Weasel Belt is a revolutionary new product that uses the wonders of weasels to… More »
Allie Brosh Presents: Four Totally Awesome and Potentially Dangerous Bags
Have you ever noticed how limited the functions of most bags and purses are? I mean, they’re basically just oversized containers for your trinkets. But what if your bag was more than that? What if it could fight crime or chew the arms off of a mugger? Those are just a couple of the many varied functions of our “Transformer” line of bags!
The bear bag is made by splicing bear DNA into cow skin cells. It is a dangerous… More »
Allie Brosh Presents: Fashion Advice From My Future Self
I haven’t always been such an extreme, indisputable expert at fashion. No, there was a time in my life when I looked like this:
That’s me at a dog show with my dog, Murphy. We won runner-up grand champion because the judges all thought I had cancer, when in reality, I had shaved my head on a dare to impress a boy I had a crush on. It did not work out as planned. Anyway, I decided that if I could… More »
