Subscribe
Previous Post
Oh my God, you guys! It's going to be so narcissistic!
We tried to submit to XOJane’s “brave and fun” morning face, make-up free gallery, and it looks as though we didn’t get in. I’m confused by that, because we wanted the agency to be whatever kind of woman we wanted to be. The kind of woman we wanted to be was Sigourney Weaver in Working Girl, in case you were wondering.
Suffice to say, you were supposed to be brave, and send in a picture of yourself in bed with no make-up, and a little bit about what you were doing last night. Since I object to this notion that not wearing make-up is “brave”, I tried to express this is a short story cobbled together out of lies. I believe that is what they call a parable. Ready? I don’t normally do this whole “making things up to prove a point like Pilgrim’s Progress” type of writing, usually my forte is “raarg, raarg, Katharine Hepburn, I hate everything but Katharine Hepburn, I’m like Liz Lemon, but with more hot rollers” so I worked on this educational “what I did last night” for… too long.
Last night, as I was swilling champagne at the Plaza, I was thinking a lot about bravery, and how people who wear cosmetics don’t have much of it. That Costa Concordia Captain? He wasn’t red-faced. It was rouge! My reverie was interrupted when a woman at the next table began choking. I sprang into action. 3 successive attempts at the Heimlich, and nothing! I dug into my purse and found a pen knife and straw. As I performed that emergency tracheotomy, I banged on her chest. “Fight!” I hollered! “Be brave! You can make it!” But alas, she was wearing lipstick, and couldn’t pull through.
Disheartened, on my way home I passed an orphanage in flames and heard the orphans’ pitiable cries. Fortunately, I was carrying a trampoline. I’m always carrying a trampoline. The orphanage was only two stories high. I set out that trampoline. “Jump!” I said. “You can make it! Be brave!” But no, they were having a slumber party, and they were all dolled up. Every last one of them died.
Finally, just before coming home, I passed Liam Neeson fighting the entire New York underworld and multiple wolves armed only with a steely gaze. “Liam!” I cried “Here! Have a pen-knife! It was useless earlier!” Liam Neeson didn’t need extra exhortations, he already knew how to be brave. All he needed was a pen-knife. Also, he had a naturally flawless face, and no need for cosmetics. Reader, he won.
As the mayor gave us the keys to the city, I thought to myself that I had a secret. A dark secret. I had been wearing Dior Airflash the entire time. I know I’m no hero. Then I went to sleep. When I woke up I looked like this!
Did you get it? Did you see how I made the same joke, like, 5 times? That was to reinforce my point. Frankly, I was also hoping to score some Dior Airflash out of this whole thing. I also tried really hard to make this only about the fact that I do not think wearing cosmetics and being brave are connected, and not about any feelings I might have about XOJane.
(Look, if a commenter wants to leap in announcing that they suspect I do not like XOJane – the jig is up. You’ve caught me. Boy, have you ever caught me. I’m not a big fan of XOJane at this stage in its incarnation. Well spotted, detectives!)
No matter.
WE WILL HOST OUR OWN GALLERY.
If you feel up to it, or rather, down to it, – if you feel weak of spirit, if you cringe and kow-tow in the face of fear, if you totally would have joined the Death Eaters – please, send us a picture of yourself wearing GLOBS OF MAKE-UP. All the make-up!
Rules now!
Send a ridiculously glamorous, make-up laden picture of yourself to Jennifer[at]thegloss.com
Add you name and what you were doing if you feel like it. Or not. Whatever. (It would be nice if you did, though).
For bonus points, add something that makes you a cool craven chicken.
Wait! WAIT! Is this gallery also open to heteronormative gentlemen readers?
Yes. You may send pictures of yourself wearing tuxedos, which is like make-up for your entire body. Please look snappy. And, of course, if you’d like to buck heteronormativity and put on some make-up, that would be neat, too.
Why? Just to feel pretty?
Nah. I’ll send one person who gives a really good answer (or picture? Both? I’ll decide! I’m the decider! Drunk on power! Zee French champagne!) a bag-load of goodies. Specifically a Michael Kors Logo Print Signature Vanilla Tote. This one
It will be filled with some make-up. This is what make-up looks like:
It’ll be like that, but without so much Hello Kitty stuff going on.
So, please submit. Show me how you look all ridiculously made-up. And feel free to include asshole comments about how this is a dumb idea (there’s a good chance we’ll love those most of all) (we welcome XOJane editors!) . I want to get it up by Friday, so, next few days. Go, you sexy little poltroons. Show me your painted faces.
Brilliant!! LOVE this!!
This was quite wonderful, and MK is involved!?? Sign my glammed-up, non-bravery-determining face up.
I am glad that bravery and make-up are not linked. I go to work everyday sans makeup and trust me it doesn’t make me feel any braver…I do however feel sleepy and darns could not be given less most days since the alarm clock starts going off at 3:45a (notice I said starts…) I think this will be fun.
Love any page of a fashion/style blog that includes a mini video of the Kardashian’s [sic, the possessive S belongs to the video, not me] champagne brunch wardrobe probz playing on endless repeat.
V. cutting edge and useful info on how it all shook out to come, I hope???
I’m very amused. As you know, I’m also annoyed by “no makeup” challenges. It’s not difficult to look like shit. I do it all the time. I’m not sure why I have to share that with the world. I also try not to belch in public and always close the bathroom door when I use the toilet. I’m crazy that way!
It’s time to be out and proud: I hate-read xoJane every week.
I will never get tired of TheGloss (or anyone else) making fun of it.
Carry on!
For once, I am quite saddened about not owning an ounce of makeup. I may have to steal sparkly things from the neighbour’s kids…
I also think this is hilarious– I saw that gallery on XOJane the other day when I was hate-reading it, and actually hoped The Gloss would do something to make fun. So yay.
P.S. Jennifer, YOU’RE SO PRETTY (and pretend I’m leaving this comment on all your DIY hair posts too)
Thank you, Fabel! Sometimes I pretend I am a little martian who looks exactly like Rosenberg in Men In Black. I pretend I am inside a robot head controlling a robot body. I can give the robot commands like “move right arm.” Then when I move my right arm, it is unspeakably cool.
KEEPS ME HUMBLE.
(Also, it’s a pretty good trick if you’re stuck in meetings and you want to make picking up pencils seem cool).
She’s pretty and she references Will Smith’s crowning achievement in regular conversation… really, what’s not to love?
Jennifer, very nice picture. But as far as your point on Liam Neeson, you forgot to mention he had Sandra Bullock standing 100% behind him (GunShy). :)
Not in ‘The Grey’ he doesn’t! It’s just him, literally punching wolves in their wolf faces.
I, too, reject the notion that forgoing makeup makes you brave. If that’s the case, I’m fucking Tarzan. (And not the lame Disney one)
More importantly, this doesn’t really emphasize xoJane bashing so much as points out the logical flaws (and, yeah, faint misogyny) in assuming all/most women are uncomfortable going bare.
XOJane is terrible. Jane herself is terrible. The writing is (mostly) terrible. Please keep calling them out when they are particularly terrible.
Everyone else: Get over it. Or, go whine to Jezebel because they named XoJane one of the top 10 sites for “hate reading” today:
http://jezebel.com/5880000/the-top-10-sites-for-hate+reading/gallery/6
More fashion and beauty not internet rivalries.
Whatever, I think this is hilarious. And so true.
You do realize that this is only going to solidify the site’s reputation as the “Purse Dog” blog?!
You know, out of the little old ladies wearing Chanel and scantily clad young socialites purse dog buying demographic (fuck it, I love us being the purse dog blog, I think it’s great) I think there are very few people who spend as much time discussing recreationally snorting bath salts as we do.
http://thegloss.com/culture/the-editors-debate-should-we-get-high-on-bath-salts/
Ugh. This is SO PETTY. Like.. unbelievably so. I like the content of this site (what else am I supposed to look at while at work?) and want to keep coming, but I seriously think this little rivalry is just so idiotic (and YOU are the only participants, notice anything about your petty shit on XOJane?).
Personally, I do think that it is brave -to a degree- to put yourself on the internet looking what is presumably your worst. Would you put a pic of yourself first thing in the morning on Facebook? I probably wouldn’t.
Is XOJane telling women that they’re not brave or that they’re bad for wearing makeup or something? Because I read everything there and I don’t recall them bashing women for wearing makeup, only revering those who are willing to put themselves out there.
Again, putting up articles just for the sake of spiting/bashing XOJane doesn’t make XOJane look bad, it makes TheGloss look bad. Stop making yourselves look like the high school bitch crowd! It is not a good look for you.
Look, you’re on TheGloss, so we’re not curing cancer here. I think calling out an irresponsible herpes-spreading lady blog (okay, only ONE of their writers unrepentently spread herpes) is less petty than just talking about eyeliner and making boys like you. Pointing out that bravery is a real thing and that calling no-makeup-wearing “brave” denigrates that is a valid point.
Jennifer, I do believe I have a full-fledged girl crush on you.
Enough with XOJane nonsense. It’s becoming a bit much
I agree. Like, I know you guys hate them and all but it’s starting to come off as childish.
Oh, it’s on.