NerdGlam: Inventions for Kickass Women

Imagine: you’re James Bond, but with boobs! You roll into the British Secret Service underground laboratory and are equipped not only with necklace grenades and poison stiletto spikes, but with nail polish that’s dry on contact, a way to keep high heels from getting rained on, and a solution for the dreaded “wet spot”!

Dream no longer, rakish reader!

Today’s NerdGlam is about girly inventions: solutions for problems that might be difficult to even explain to those who do not know the torment of getting stuck in the rain in open-toed heels, as your feet slide inexorably forward and begin to develop blisters in novel spots, and you know the shoes will never, ever be the same again.

Shuella, Your Shoe Umbrella ($49.95 online)

When’s the last time you owned galoshes? Were you under four feet tall? Well, these far more glamorous versions wrap around your high heels while still managing to be shaped like boots (rather than looking as though you have a clubfoot) and then fold up into a little pouch when you’re done. Despite the grating “you” in the tagline (Christopher Hitchens took on the overuse of the “narcissistic pronoun” in this classic column on Slate), the Shuella is pretty great.

I ordered a pair in black, and can report that they look about as nice as rubber boots ever do. If you drive a car, I would suggest buying these right away and keeping them in your car ($50 might seem like a lot, but if you save just one pair of shoes…). If you’re a subway rider, I’m ambivalent: the product is cute and well-designed, but doesn’t fold up to be as small and lightweight as it would need to be for you to carry it around all the time in your purse, the way one might carry one of those tiny foldable umbrellas. Even when entirely dry, the pouch is about the size and heft of small textbook. So, I’ve carried mine in a shoulder bag on a few occasions on which rain seemed likely, but I’ve gotten stuck in the rain wishing I had my Shuellas at least as often. Maybe we could start some kind of Shuella rental system with outposts located every few blocks throughout the city. We could call it … ZipShuella.

Incoco Dry Nail Manicure Applique Kit ($4.99 at Walgreens or walgreens.com)

As far as I can tell, some Inspector Gadgetress has taken nail polish, painted it on a clear plastic substrate in the shape of fingernails, dried it under a lamp until it’s just very slightly gummy, then hermetically sealed it in more plastic to sell it to you; it’s the manicure equivalent of getting your wig styled days in advance when you’re not even there.

I’m certainly not the only one who enjoys getting pedicures (you can read a magazine!) but hates getting manicures (you can’t move your hands!) Also, as I teach classes in the evenings, by the time I want to unwind and get a manicure, it’s past 10 p.m., and the only option is Beauty Bar. While I wholeheartedly approve of boozed-up manicures, sometimes you’re home and in your sweatpants in front of the computer already by the time you realize your nails need attention, and then you might desire an instant drugstore manicure.

You peel these little strips off the backing, press them to your nails, use the sharp edge of your nail to cut off the excess, and then … you’re done. (Just as with the press-on nails you may remember from decades past, you get extras in a variety of sizes). The stuff is actually real nail polish, not a sticker; once the polish has been on your nails for a few minutes, it goes from slightly-gummy to hard, dry polish that only comes off with nail polish remover. Here are some hints to do it well:

• If you’re stuck between using a slightly too-small or slightly too-big size on a particular nail, you can cut down the too-big one (that’s a little too artsy-craftsy for me), or you can just use the smaller ones — some people actually deliberately paint each nail with a swath of polish slightly narrower than the actual nail to make fingers look thinner. So, a bit too narrow is fine — if you use the too-big ones and get them stuck to your cuticles, it’s going to look fake, and a bit like you tried to gift-wrap your fingertips and failed.
• Do your thumbs last. You’re going to be using your thumbs to press down and squeeze off the ends of the other little polish tabs.
• When you’re done, throw some clear polish on top.

Fascinator Throes, moisture-proof playscape for sex ($75- $90 online)

The Liberator Fascinator Shag Throe — wait, let’s de-pun that before we move on, okay? “Liberator” is the brand name; its eponymous product is a piece of sex furniture that looks remarkably like something we used for gymnastics class in elementary school. “Shag” is both a plush type of (usually) carpet as well as a verb or noun referring to sexual intercourse. Great! And a “throw” is a small blanket, while the “throes of passion” are something often referred to in romance novels. The word “fascinator” just seems like a fourth wheel at this point, doesn’t it? Okay, moving on….

The solution for the dreaded “wet spot” is, in fact, a reversible blanket (half satin, half shag!) with a waterproof plastic layer in the middle. You have sex on it, then machine-wash it; your sheets underneath are guaranteed to be pristine. Here’s a video of someone on YouTube pouring an entire glass of water on hers (there was some text on the box about the product having been “designed with the needs of female-ejaculators in mind”):

The Liberator site itself hosts a promotional video on this page — enjoy the early-’90s porno soundtrack. The “throes” are $90 on Liberator’s site, and as low as $75.98 all over the internet. While the leopard one might look fun, keep in mind that the very idea of spreading your special sex blanket over your regular blanket will feel ridiculous enough that you might want to just go for the black one, lest you inadvertently create a bedroom setup too hilarious to actually fornicate on.

Just one thing — due to the waterproof layer, this thing crinkles like a motherfucker. I mean, you spread this on your bed, it will make noise like you’re wrapping a rotisserie chicken in four square feet of tinfoil. And those of you who have used your vaginas to produce other human beings will immediately recognize this object as a giant changing pad. I’d bet money that that’s where someone got the idea.

You might think that owning a dedicated sex blanket is something for the sex-obsessed. Actually, I think it’s for the laundry-obsessed. If you were really a full-time, 24/7, revved up, humping-the-furniture- type nymphomaniac, you wouldn’t care whether your recently-laundered comforter had since become imbued with lubricant and bodily fluids.
But if you’re the sort of person who regularly, when making the bed, inspects the floral pattern to verify that suspicious whorls really are illustrated plants and not sneakily-fractal stains, then this product is for you!