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For the last seven years, I’ve supplemented my income as a bartender. Despite having a full-time job in publishing, I don’t see myself tossing in the towel anytime soon. The cash is too easy, I get to wear hoop earrings, and it’s the safest way to judge drunk people. I’ll continue until I’m too old and ugly to work in the service industry, which gives me about another five years.
When you order a drink, I judge you. Here is a list of common personality traits and characteristics I’ve observed based off of drink orders:
Stella: You are foreign.. or are trying to appear to be.
Heineken: You are black.. or are trying to appear to be.
Malibu & Coke: You vomit easily.
Vodka Cran: You don’t know what you want in life, or at this bar.
Patron: Danger. I am adding gratuity to your check.
Margarita: Anyone who drinks sour mix from a spray gun is an amateur, or underage.
Gin & Tonic: $$$
Vodka & Tonic: We could be friends.
Long Island Ice Tea: You just broke up with your boyfriend and have chosen tonight as the night you will “move on”.
Foreign Beer: You are on a 2nd or 3rd date, trying to impress the girl with your cultured taste for Turkish pilsner.
Cosmo: For the love of God, hurry up and finish the 6th season of Sex & The City.
Red Bull & Vodka: You are an asshole.
Pinot Grigio: You are approaching menopause faster than you think.
Pinot Noir: You don’t really go to bars.
Moscato: You listen to too much rap.
Gran Marnier: What are you doing here?
Scotch: You will probably tip me well and tell me I remind you of your daughter after you check out my bum.
Vodka Martini: You had a serious day at work, or you are a functional alcoholic.
Whiskey: You are cool. If you try to get my number I won’t act too offended.
Bud Light: You are driving.
Budweiser: You are driving drunk.
Kristen is a [Ed note: really funny] Boston-area writer. This post originally appeared on Kristen’s blog, Are You Wearing My Pants.
“The Assumptions Bartenders Make About You Based Off Your Drink Order”
It seems that suddenly in the past few years everyone under a certain age is using the phrase “based off”. I can only guess that some character on a popular TV show used this phrase a lot.
There is actually NO such word-phrase in the English language. “Based off” is, in fact, meaningless. Something can NOT be “based” and “off” at the same time.
I believe the meaning you kids are attempting to get across is actually the meaning conveyed by the accepted English word-phrase, “based on”.
I am sorry if I am coming across as a “douche”, but you are writing professionally, and if you want your work to be considered as having anything worthwhile to offer it needs to meet certain standards of literacy.
So, tell me oh so better than everyone else bartender. What is the “right” drink to order.
it’s satire…relax
Who you callin’ drunk yer not drunk I’M drunk!!
What about a Shirley Temple?
i think this is a bunch of crap!!!!!
Uh oh. Looks like someone drinks Red Bull & Vodka…
straight liquor gets you there quicker
Boston area huh? I’m Boston area too and I think that based on location your assumptions are pretty accurate. Now I wonder which bar to go to… ;)
Why on earth would I care about how a bartender judges me by what I order? Bartenders who think people care about what bartenders think are self-absorbed losers.
Gin Martini Cocktail 1/5 with a twist. -
One with a sense of history who understands the meaning of the cocktail hour and was taught about sanctity of the martini by Bernard deVoto.
http://offthepresses.blogspot.com/2010/06/review-bernard-devotos-hour.html
I have been working in liquor business for 20 years and totally agree with moscato observation and even throw Hennessy in that mix, way too much rap.
Surprised you didn’t mention rum and coke with lime, or Corona. Geographic location obviously plays a role in all of this. Hmmm, how about your feelings toward someone who orders a Cider drink (Woodchuck, Ace, etc.) ?
How do you feel about a vodka & pomegranate juice with a splash of club soda? Rare to find pomegranate juice in a bar. Bartenders usually suggest cranberry, pineapple or orange juice as a substitute. Sometimes they have grapefruit juice. Not a fan of cranberry, so sometimes I’d get a mixture with a lime. That was awhile back. Now I go for the vodka tonic.
So what’s it mean when I order a gin martini straight-up w/ a twist or a single malt Scotch, neat? :-D
Most whiskey drinkers know their way around a bar, ever notice wine drinkers say”I’ll have a glass of wine” thanks gang, please narrow that down to one or two of the fifteen available-or go to a bar more.
hey – I was a bartender/server for years and can still get quite comfortable in a bar stool. That said…I drink pinot noir. A lot of it, lol. I can’t drink Merlot anymore, it gives me a headache. Cabs can be too dry. I used to drink Chardonnay, but at one point went on “the Mediterranean diet” where they stressed RED wine…hence pinot noir.
I think the local bartenders would disagree that I don’t go to bars a lot ;)
I have come to similar conclusions in the UK. Some more:
Vodka + lemonade/coke – you are a student and your no.1 goal of the night is to provide me with vomit to clean up later.
Archers + lemonade – see Malibu + Coke.
Jagerbomb – you are a total sucker and you think ‘bombing’ makes it so cool it’s worth paying double the price of a regular drink.
Rosé – you are don’t like wine, but you want to look sophisticated in front of your date. Plus, it matches your dress.
Shandy – you’re driving, and yet the idea of not drinking is so horrific that you need to fool yourself into thinking you’re drinking a whole beer into which a mischievous friend has dumped a pound sugar.
Love this. Maybe The Gloss should run a global edition of this post.
Agreed!!
Would a sex on the beach fall in the same category as a Malibu and coke? I feel they’re on equal levels of gross/not real alcohol.
Rebekah Mae: screwdrivers are only for breakfast. When mimosas or bloody marys aren’t available. ;)
Wait wait. Is ordering an apple Martini or screwdriver the same as ordering a “vodka Martini” or “Vodka cran” ? lmao
Totally disagree with most of these. Been bartending for 15 years.
Totally agree with most of these. Been bartending for 1 year.
haha whiskey it is! i like to pretend im a man with bourbon.