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We’re delighted to introduce Allie Brosh of Hyperbole and a Half. She’ll be providing her thoughts on fashion weekly with words and pictures.
Hi bears. Are you tired of looking frumpy after hibernating all winter? Maybe you are looking to add a little spark to your wardrobe but you are afraid of going overboard and looking like a furry Lady Gaga/yak hybrid covered in deer blood. Well, not to worry my carnivorous forest friends; I have composed the most complete guide to bear fashion ever published. Get ready to enjoy life in style, bears!
1. Dark colors
Wear dark colors, like eggplant. They help hide the stains that naturally occur when you spend your days mauling elk and rubbing against trees.
2. Vertical stripes
Vertical stripes are slimming and can also help to disorient prey animals, making them easier to kill.
3. Define your waist
As a bear, you are probably well aware of the unflattering side effects of preparing for winter. To help you maintain some of your ladylike curves while you are out in the hills stuffing your fat face with berries and snails, you should wear cinched-waist dresses and shirts. This style creates the illusion of a small waist and can disguise a bulging, snail-and-berry-filled stomach quite well.
4. Avoid bulky fabrics, especially wool
Bears, I know it’s tempting to want to hide underneath a layer of thick fabric, but heavy knits only serve to accentuate your pre-hibernation gut. Also, wool is grown on sheep and you are a big, tough bear who has no business running around in the same thing that sheep wear. You’ll look like a fool.
5. Tankinis and swim-skirts are a bear’s best friend
Once summer rolls around, you will probably have gained back almost ever ounce of adipose tissue you lost during hibernation. I’m sorry. That’s just how surviving in the wild goes; you have to sacrifice your waistline so that you can make it through another winter.
The good news is that tankinis and swim-skirts can do a great deal to cover up your furiously jiggling hindquarters as you lumber across a meadow.
6. Choose your accessories carefully
It’s not easy to accessorize when you’re a bear, but if you choose your accessories wisely, you can pull it off. Pale sage is a great color because it is complemented by the rich cranberry of salmon blood. Similarly, beiges and grays can mesh well with the dark umber of bear excrement, so if you feel like rolling in the fecal matter of your friends and family members, you don’t have to worry about ruining your outfit!
110 days ago
[...] goodness for Allie Brosh’s (of Hyperbole and a Half) “Grizzly Bear’s Guide to Flattering Fashion“. The days have gotten cold, so I went right out and bought a pale sage scarf and grey winter [...]
161 days ago
[...] post is one of very few that is not addressed to you. Read this instead or this one. They make me [...]
no pictures :(
The pictures aren’t showing on this article, instead they’re all pictures saying “domain unregistered’
haha Just found this blog with the “Sneaky Hate Spiral” post. Great stuff, keep it coming! Oh ya, and I’m glad you’re feeling better with all the medical stuff. I know how that is, I was recently in the hospital myself.
That is epic! <3
AWESOME!!! Best fashion advice parody ever! =)
@LeighC; if you read the blog, you wouldn’t be so terrified. I recommend following that course of action immediately.
“who’s afraid of (virginia) wolf?” haha i got it
Is that the fish that nearly destroyed your childhood.
I am afraid of the first person that commented on this post.
Bears are so lucky to have access to such amazing advice. I wish I was a bear so Allie could tell me what to wear. Or maybe I could be an alot? Could this advice work for an alot also? I do hope so.
I’ve seen alot of posts, and this one is the best by far.
I wasn’t aware that Alots knew how to post things on the internet.
I love you, Allie. You make my life funny.
I do not understand… Why would I want to hide my enormous paunch and jiggling ass. It drives the guys WILD.
Also, invest in contact lenses! Guys don’t make passes at bears that wear glasses!
or bears that wear glasses!
I like this Alot.
It’s the best of it’s kind! I heard it’s even papered :)
This is not an article about alot fashion. This is an article about bear fashion >:( Did you even read it?
Great tips :)
Excellent tips! My bear friends and I will be looking fashion-forward this year!
Congrats on this column, Allie. You’re a great writer and you deserve it! I look forward to reading each week.
I can’t wait to read these every week! So funny!