'Desperate Housewives' 5.16: 'Crime Doesn't Pay'

Desperate Housewives “Crime Doesn’t Pay”

Air date: March 8, 2009

Live blog/recap

As always, here’s the deal: Neighbor Peggy and I sit and watch the ‘wives and comment on how much better their lives could be if they’d just listen to us. This time, Neighbor Peggy’s boyfriend, Cameron, (sorta) joins us. He’s doing something on his laptop and half-listening to to the show.

Don’t forget about the winners and losers of the show! Check back later for them — and suggest some of your own if you have ‘em!

9:00: It looks like this is going to be a big Orson episode — which is a good thing. Not gonna lie, I always was kinda irritated that we just ignored his shadiness and accepted him at Bree’s husband, and five (six? Seven?) years later, here we are.
9:02: “I used  to be a dentist, remember?” Ooohh, right. Tom’s always been my favorite man on the show, and I like that he’s gettin’ spunky. And Orson just earned a new nickname by stealing the salt shaker: KleptOrson.
9:04: Susan’s wearing a see-through shirt? Actually, on second glance, it looks great on her — albeit a little too…harlotty? There’s a better word for a 44-year-old woman wearing a bra with a fishing net over it. I’m not quite sure if I can remember just what it is….oh, that’s right: COUGAR.
9:07: I can’t say I’m surprised that Bradley is making Gaby his alibi, though that’s not a fantastic position for her to be in… “I paid you thirty grand, I want to get my money’s worth.”
9:09: Orson’s doing a weird voice with the stolen salt shaker? I just keep looking a the screen and saying “WTF? No, seriously…wtf.”
9:10: Peggy comes in late with the boyfriend, Cameron, and immediately says, “What is Susan wearing?” Cameron says, “Yeah, baby!”

9:14: I like this conversation with Bree and Lynette where they decide they don’t need to apologize or say anything after they’ve both been jerks to each other. But it’s also them acknowledging the fact that they can be sorta nasty to each other, not talk about it, and move on. I don’t think that’s necessarily a healthy relationship, y’know?
9:15: Lynette, Bree and Gaby are doubting that Susan’s really cool with Katherine. “Because I vividly remember yesterday and I wasn’t born during it.” — Lynette. Also, can’t they just be civil to each other and nothing more? I mean, Katherine IS dating Susan’s ex. They’re allowed to not be bffs.
9:18: YES. Crazy Dave is threatening a priest. Threatening. A PRIEST. A PRIEST BUYING LIQUOR. This is an amazing scene. We know that “one of the wives will kill” in this episode. Maybe Edie’ll kill the priest? It’s gotta be a character we don’t care a whole lot about, and this guy would fit the bill…
9:24: This whole painting business is irking me. Who cares that Katherine didn’t want it over her mantle? Why WOULD she want a painting in her house from her boyfriend’s ex?
9:27: Oh MAN. We’re dying over here about that little interaction between Shayla and Gaby. Also, holy boobs! Peggy’s happy that Gaby gets to be funny again. I’m happy that she gets to be pretty again. Cameron only turns away from his laptop when I said “Holy BOOBS!” It’s nice to know that everyone can find something to like about this scene.
9:30: Publisher Man Bruce is talking an awful lot about his “brain”/recorder. We’re guessing that KleptOrson will pilfer it.
9:31: Here’s a question: Why is Lynette bugging Tom to find a job so much? What happened to the strong woman who couldn’t stand being a stay-at-home mom? Dear Lynette: GO GET A JOB YOURSELF.
9:34: Bree looks AMAZING in this red shirt. But what’s Tom doing? Does he just not want the job?
9:36: Ah, there it is. Lynette’s battling Tom for it. She should have it anyway! She’s always been the better one at advertising. But this should be a good little battle. Tom’s giving her “the horns”. She shouldn’t have messed with the bull!
9:41: Commercial break. I just got a fudgsicle. Remember that one time in the first season when Parker told Mrs. McCluskey he’d give her a fudgesicle if she showed him her vagina? I can’t eat a fudgesicle anymore without thinking about Mrs. McCluskey’s vagina.
9:44: This is painful to watch. Tom and Lynette one-upping each other. As if it wasn’t far enough for Lynette to say that Tom ran his business into the ground, he had to throw in the fact that her CANCER could come back? What does that have to do with her ability to work for Publiser Man Bruce??
9:45: I’m going to make a statement here and say that Bruce deserved to have his tape recorder stolen. Jus’ sayin’.
9:49: Aw, this scene’s adorable. I love Tom and Lynette. Apparently, though, they have the same relationship that Lynette has with Bree: We can forget the bad stuff we do to each other as long as we’re both equally as jerkish to each other.
9:50: Ten minutes left in the show and we still haven’t seen anyone kill anyone…and now there’s a commercial break! No!
9:56: I like it when Susan takes the high road. Peggy: “Aw, how nice is it of Susan to come in and steal a painting of their mantle.”
9:58: Carlos is jobless again. I don’t care. Someone has to kill someone in TWO minutes. How’s that going to happen? I’m going to guess that Gaby kills Bradley? Or something of the like?
9:59: OK, so Maria killed Bradley. And she’s totally calm about it. I feel cheated. Maria isn’t one of OUR Desperate Housewives. Desperate, yes. But she’s not MY housewife. And I don’t like that it ended with Gaby and Carlos calling the police during Mary Alice’s ending thoughts. Ugh. It’s just…sweeps. So I feel like we’re getting duped into watching a show that already is a good show — that doesn’t need to pull these little antics to rope us in. We don’t need these teasers of people killing and two of the ‘wives kissing. But that’s a rant for a different time.