A Modern Gal’s Musings: What To Consider Before Marriage

By now, you will all know that I’m married, and you know why I got married. You’ve also probably guessed that I think marriage is, in general, a good idea.

Is it for everyone? Certainly not.

Is it for you? Only you can decide that. Before you get all uppity that I’ve not answered your questions thoroughly, know that I am 100 percent correct about the “it depends” answer. And, know that I fully intend to help you come to your correct conclusion. Couples alone can decide if marriage is right for them.

My husband and I decide it was right for us, and so we went to pre-marriage counseling after we got engaged. Our counselor was an idiot. Actually, that’s not fair; he wasn’t an idiot, he just didn’t want to be a couple/family counselor. And because of that, he wasn’t really into actively helping our marriage. But regardless, once a week we’d go to dinner and then go to our counseling sessions.

At the first session, we took this test filled with likert scales that was supposed to highlight the areas where we’d have issues in the future based on the differing of our answers. The test is called “Prepare Enrich” by Life Innovations. It covered everything from how many kids we might want, our expectations of who does the chores, how we’d handle finances, our respective relationship pasts and then some. Each of us filled in the questionnaire bubbles separately and then the “counselor” brought it in to show us where we had differing expectations.

I highly recommend the test for couples, or something similar. What it does is open up areas of discussion that you might not have previously considered. I’d also recommend pre-marriage counseling, however find someone who actually wants to do that for a living and make sure they cover more than just your strongly-agrees and strongly-disagrees.

All in all, count yourselves lucky my dears for you, if you continue to read my posts here on TheGloss, will be provided several things to consider that will help you reach your conclusion about whether or not a modern marriage is right for you. For each of the following items, there will be a corresponding post with an in depth look at the issues which will include not only questions to ask of your self and your relationship, but also how my husband and I, as a real world married couple survived through our first few years of marriage.

So, sensational readers, here is what you should consider before saying “yes.”

Permanence & The Marriage Destroyer: Make no mistake about it; marriage is “til death do us part.” At least, that is what it is intended to be. Can you be satisfied looking at your guy’s face as it ages through out the years? Will you decide every day that you love him? (Yes lovelies, it is a daily decision. Sometimes, it’s hourly.) Can you be with each other, and no one else, forever? What is the one thing that will surely put an expiration date on your marriage?

Every Day: Marriage, as it is permanent, means that you will be with your spouse every day. Do you get along? Do your lifestyles complement each other? Even if you love someone very deeply, some lives are not meant to be spent together.

He is who he is: While I hate the phrase “it is what it is,” its person version works exceptionally well for marriage. Can people change? Absolutely. Do they? Not often. If the phrase “when we’re married he’ll …” pops into your head, think again. And then reassess the two previous topics.

Philosophies on work: Do you both live to work or work to live? Does the difference matter in your relationship?

Where to live in proximity to family: Whether or not you’re family oriented this is a biggie. Do you, as a couple, need that support system? Do you need to be separated from that support system to grow strong as a couple? Will one of you be resentful if you see too much of the other’s family? Talk about it and make the choices that work best for you.

Family holiday arrangements: Again, depending on how close you are to your respective families, the question of holidays will come up. It’s best to come to the decision by yourselves as to what you want to do, just be sure to respect the other person’s feelings.

Finances: Will you have a joint account or separate accounts? Who will make the budget, pay the bills and make sure you have enough? This often comes down to aptitudes and attitudes. Discuss it and make sure your arrangement works for both of you. (In the future finance post there will be many subcategories.)

Chores: This is another one that comes down to preference and aptitudes. Since it’s a part of daily life it will come up in your marriage. Find what works for you and remember that you can always trade laundry duty for dishwashing.

Children: Don’t be blindsided by this conversation. Do you or do you not want kids? Do you want your own “natural” children or will you adopt? If you adopt will you also have your own “natural” children? How many would you like? And there are dozens of other questions on this topic that will keep you both occupied for years.

Vacations: Where do you want to go, how often would you like to travel? Can you travel by yourselves? Are you more adventure-seeking as a couple or touristy?

Day to Day: Do you expect to have breakfast together? Do you expect to have an hour of alone time when you get home from work? Be realistic and be honest. It might surprise you what this “average day” scenario brings up in your marriage.

Sex: Ladies, what do you need to “get in the mood?” Fellas, how often do you want to have sex? Bring up and discuss any and all aspects of your sexual life as a married couple that you can anticipate and don’t be shy.

I hope these topics are of interest to you all and that they’ve already given you things to consider. Most of these topics shouldn’t be deal-breakers for any marriage, but it’s sad how often they are. Let’s face it: if you’ve decided that marriage is the right choice, you’ve made and resolved a lot of big decisions. What’s left is the little stuff and how a couple reacts to these little things has a huge impact on you marriage.