I Love You, You're Perfect, Stop Snoring: Common Relationship Problems and Their Solutions

He has dreamy eyes, a fascinating career and a witty sense of humor. He brings you soup when you’re run down and chills you out when you’re strung out. He rubs your back when you’re tired, knows his way around the kitchen, and has brilliant taste in music. He’s good in bed and when you ask him to, even makes it. You’re in love with him, sure, but not everything about him is perfect.

That would be too easy.

So I took the liberty of going through all of those little problems that drive you wild, and I think I have some solutions that might keep your near-perfect relationship, if not your near-ridiculous expectations, in check.

PROBLEM: His iPhone is always in his hands, on the table or in bed with him. He’s an addict, and refuses treatment.

ISSUE: He might be paying attention to you, but you suspect his attention is mostly focused on clearing out his inbox and updating his Twitter status.

SOLUTION: It’s 2010, and she who lives in a glass house can’t throw iPhones. If you’re upset, tell him to knock it off – or impose a no-phone rule in bed, or at dinner. But remember that law is still in effect next time your BlackBerry is buzzing in your handbag, missy. Rules are rules.

PROBLEM: His snores are louder (and more persistent) than the neighbor’s car alarm. They are frighteningly obscene sound effects that you can’t believe actually come out of a human face.

ISSUE: While he’s sleeping like a baby, you’re tossing and turning by night and doin’ the zombie by day.

SOLUTION: Losing sleep is not okay! If he’s in denial, catch him on tape so he realizes how loud he is. Then, buy a jumbo box of Breathe Right Nasal Strips for your bedside table. Make sure he’s sleeping on his side (not his back) and both of you should cut down your alcohol consumption before bed. No more nightcaps for you two if you want a full night’s sleep.

PROBLEM: You’re a red blooded carnivore but your man’s a life-long vegetarian.

ISSUE: Forget going to a steakhouse for dinner – you feel guilty simply biting into a juicy hamburger when you know that the thought of eating animal makes him retch.

SOLUTION: Get over it. He’s the vegetarian, not you. If he cared that much about animal rights, he wouldn’t be stomping around in those leather shoes. People have different tastes – in food and ethics. So wash down that guilt with a big plate of ribs and stop beating yourself up over it. Hell, if it bothers you that much, get your red meat fix during lunch. (It’s cheaper then, anyway.)

PROBLEM: His favorite shirt has a big image of cartoon wolves howling at the moon.

ISSUE: We all have ugly things that we love, whether it be for sentimental or quirky reasons, but we don’t have wear them in public. His wolf shirt always makes an appearance when he meets your friends, or when you plan a fancy evening on the town.

SOLUTION: Laugh it off. It’s just a T-shirt! And if he’s so fantastic, do you really care that his shirt isn’t? Clothes don’t make the man, the man makes the man. Worst case scenario: let him know that certain evenings have a dress code, and buy him a wolf-less shirt for those nights. Other nights, howl on.

PROBLEM: Your boyfriend dated a lot of great women before he met you … you know, because he’s still friends with all of them.

ISSUE: Keeping exes around is a surefire way to stir up jealousy and turn even the most confident partner into an insecure mess. It’s bad when the two remain good friends with inside jokes and old stories. It’s even worse when she’s single.

SOLUTION: Boys will be boys, but exes don’t always remain exes. You have every right to feel put-out with his last breakup keeps calling. But don’t let this consume you with anxiety: a man who can remain friends with former lovers might mean he’s mature and deeply invested in his relationships. Regardless, it might turn you into one of those paranoid saboteurs who eventually ruins a perfectly good relationship with a hunch. Don’t do it. Communicate with him about your anxiety, get to know his exes and stay calm. He’s dating you, not them.

PROBLEM: He’s always late, cancels last minute plans, and runs on what he refers to as “dude time.”

ISSUE: You’ve been stood up by your own boyfriend twice this month. You’re beginning to feel un-special, un-happy and un-loved.

SOLUTION: That’s a dealbreaker, ladies. It’s one thing for your guy to run late — everyone runs into traffic or gets roped into a last minute meeting. But the concept of “dude time” is patronizing and selfish. What about your time? What could you have gotten done at work in the hour you waited at a bar for your boyfriend to show up because he got stuck with a client? Dump him and move on to someone who will date you in your own (real) time zone.