Man Replacing Ex With Sex Doll Nothing New

We just came across a little gem on Lemondrop about a man replacing an ex with a sex doll, and we’re going to take the fun out of it and turn this into a super amazing history lesson.

Lemondrop reports:

OH MAH GAWD. We will never take you for granted ever again, creepy ex who sometimes calls and breathes heavily into the phone. You’re a peach. Especially compared to the Italian businessman who replaced his ex-girlfriend with a custom made sex doll that is identical to her! GAAAAH!

Identical except the man, who remains unidentified, told adult toymaker Diego Bortolin that he would like his sex doll to have bigger boobs than his real girlfriend. And a larger butt.

I’m mostly just sad to see that, unlike TheGloss staff, the staff at Lemondrop isn’t comprised of obese cat-lady vampires. If they were, they’d remember Oskar Kokoscha – that man about town! – going all crazy over Alma Mahler in 1918. Perhaps you don’t remember, either?

Oskar was one of Vienna’s cleberity portrait painters. Sure, he had been deemed “mentally unstable” but it was turn of the century Vienna, and that just meant you were in with the cool kids. He was going along, happily painting, writing children’s books that were all about sex, until 1911 when he met Gustave Mahler’s widow, Alma. After their first meeting, Kokoschka wrote, “She enchanted me! And I had the impression that she was not indifferent to me, either.” Well, she sort of was, at first. Recently widowed, Alma had no desire to embark on another relationship and was enjoying her newfound freedom. Nonetheless, she and Oskar began a tumultuous love affair, filled with incidents where Oskar’s mother threatened to hunt Alma down and shoot her. Basically, they were just like any happy couple.

Until shit started to get weird. Oskar really, really loved Alma. He painted Bride of the Wind and also wrote a short opera Orpheus and Eurydice dealing with his obsession with her. Eventually, in 1918, Alma ended their affair, saying that she was “afraid of being too overcome with passion” and married Walter Gropius (she divorced him later, but that’s another story).

So Oskar got a doll. A life-sized doll made to look exactly like Alma Mahler. Here is his letter to Hemine Moos, the doll’s creator:

“Yesterday I sent a life-size drawing of my beloved and I ask you to copy this most carefully and to transform it into reality. Pay special attention to the dimensions of the head and neck, to the ribcage, the rump and the limbs. And take to heart the contours of body, e.g., the line of the neck to the back, the curve of the belly. Please permit my sense of touch to take pleasure in those places where layers of fat or muscle suddenly give way to a sinewy covering of skin. For the first layer (inside) please use fine, curly horsehair; you must buy an old sofa or something similar; have the horsehair disinfected. Then, over that, a layer of pouches stuffed with down, cottonwool for the seat and breasts. The point of all this for me is an experience which I must be able to embrace! Can the mouth be opened? Are there teeth and a tongue inside? I hope so!”

Just like Dorton Bortolin’s client! Oskar is a little disappointed with the doll (its fake flesh doesn’t feel like real flesh, etc) but does his best to make do. He refers to it as “The Silent Woman” and starts sketching it, just the way he did Alma. He goes on carriage rides with it, and stages a wedding ceremony with it, and has elaborate, sweaty sex with it in public. Because he was an artist, okay?

Alma sent him some letters during this period. I don’t want to paraphrase too much, but I think it’s fair to say that they all read “dude, what the fuck?”

This went on for a while, until Oskar decided to have a party for himself and the doll. Would you like to know what happened at that party? Of course you would.Oskar wrote:

“I gave a big champagne Party with chamber music, during which my maid Hulda exhibited the doll in all its beautiful clothes for the last time. When dawn broke – I was quite drunk, as was everyone else – I beheaded it out in the garden and broke a bottle-of red wine over its head.”

So, in conclusion, until your ex not only replaces you with a lifelike doll that he has sex with in public and then ceremonially beheads, no one has anything to worry about.

(That picture is Self Portrait with Doll, Oskar Kokoscha, 1921).