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Lilit always inspires me to get writing. And today is no exception. Today, she asked is smoking a deal-breaker? This got me thinking a lot about deal-breakers in general and how destructive they can be. For a long time now, and even here at TheGloss, I’ve argued that using deal-breakers or checklists is a terrible way to go about dating. It excludes wonderful people from your life for mostly petty reasons. There are a million examples to prove this point, but I’d like to share a personal one.
Before I had my daughter, I was a social smoker. I never had a pack-a-day habit, but I would normally have a cigarette whenever I was out or drinking. Obviously, I stopped the minute I found out I was pregnant. After I had my daughter, I promised myself that I would never pick up the habit again. Then, single motherhood brought a lot of stress that I wasn’t completely prepared for. Social smoking became stress smoking. I never smoked in front of my daughter, or even in front of family and friends. But during a tough day at work or on a lonely car ride, I guiltily pulled out a pack of Camel Turkish Silvers and puffed away. I’m sure I wasn’t hiding it as well as I thought I was, but I became a secretive smoker.
When I started dating my now-husband, I never smoked before I saw him. I carried around breath mints and gum. He was a non-smoker and I never gave him the impression that I lit up at night after a particularly emotional Grey’s Anatomy. One night, after a couple drinks and a long heart-to-heart, I said, “Oh my God, I need a cigarette!” He looked at me like I was crazy. “I smoke when I’m stressed,” I finally admitted. Scott didn’t back away and look at me like I had sprouted horns. He didn’t lecture me about lung cancer or chastise me like a teenager. He walked out onto the back porch and sat with me while I had a cigarette. And honestly, I felt better.
We didn’t talk about my dirty little habit a whole lot. I tried never to bring it up in front of him, because I knew he didn’t care for it. And once our relationship got a little closer, Scott asked me why I felt the need to smoke when I was stressed? “It’s just a coping mechanism…” I tried to evade the question for a while. Then I asked him an equally pointed, “Does this bother you?”
Scott’s answer is one of the many reasons that I love him. That man, who didn’t like smoking and never wanted to kiss a smoker said, “Well, you seem embarrassed about it. It doesn’t seem to make you happy. And I don’t like anything that doesn’t make you happy. So if there’s anything I can do to help you quit, I want to. If you aren’t ready to quit yet, that’s ok with me.” *Reminder, we’re happily married and no you cannot have him! Scott approaches most problems with this type of open acceptance and support, thankfully for me. But this nasty habit, which could have been a deal-breaker, just wasn’t. And over the next year, I did quit smoking. I haven’t had a cigarette, during work problems, wedding planning or family turmoil. And my husband’s support has been a key factor to keeping me smoke-free.
But we never would’ve gotten to that point if he’d look at me and said, “Sorry, but I can’t date a smoker.” I was more than a smoker; I was a person who made a million decisions each day. And any one those decisions could have been a deal-breaker to the wrong person. When you’re in an honest and open relationship, those dating criteria just shouldn’t matter. I hope that my husband and I can always say, “This isn’t making you happy. And I want to help you do whatever you need to so that you’ll be happy.” Because a relationship like that can get through a lot more than a little stress smoking.
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ten years ago when i just met my boyfriend he actually quit smoking because i made it clear i disapproved of smoking. this absolutely disarmed me. him kicking the habit just to be with me showed our relationship was more important to him than smoking. what upsets me though is that recently he started doing more and more of so-called social smoking because of peer pressure from his cousins and mum (they are all smokers) and through sheer boredom. i am really disappointed in him as to me it feels like he is undoing what he has done in the beginning of our relationship. i will never leave him over it, but it hurts me to think he chooses to smoke with his family just to fit in, even though he knows exactly how upsetting it is to me. i guess it is not so much the fact that he smokes, but the thought of that he is more concerned with what his family thinks about him than what i do to the point that he would put his health in danger just to proove to his cousins that he is a “lad’s lad” :(
Smoking was not a deal breaker for me or my girl. We have been together for 2 years now and I smoked when we first got together, The truth is, I knew that If I was ever going to take the step forward with her to something more serious like a life long partnership. I could not continue smoking cigarettes like I was. I Too remember what it was like to be a non smoker and wished to be like that again. My love for my girl is what stopped me from smoking any longer.
I cannot ever imagine going back to smoking cigarettes because I decided a life time with her is worth more than a life time of smoking cigarettes just to die alone and in pain. http://thedayiquitsmoking.blogspot.com/
My husband smokes. I used to smoke. He had to leave our city twice for an extended period of time and both times I quit smoking. When he returned I started again. I used to be a non smoker and remembered how I felt about the smell, taste and everything about it. I knew I couldn’t kiss a smoker. Smokers don’t smell or taste very well. They don’t know how badly they smell or taste. I used to smoke again when he was around so I could stand to kiss him. I finally told him I can’t kill myself anymore to be able to have that intimate part of our relationship and I had to quit even with him around. I did that two months ago, and our relationship is terrible. I can’t stand to kiss or hug him. Sex is gone and I am pretty sad he would rather smoke than kiss me. I hate smoking, and yes it is a deal breaker. I am leaving him.
And for those that say “if they were a smoker when you met them you have accepted it” are not thinking too healthy in my opinion. We don’t all stay the same forever. People change over time, what is meaningful to them changes etc. To expect someones perceptions to stay the same for the rest of their lives is to stunt personal growth.
I am hopeful that if my spouse and I are both doing something unhealthy, and he quits doing it, I will follow suit. Selfishness is the root of many problems and seems to be when it comes to remaining a smoker.
I think there’s a difference between someone who WANTS to quit and someone who just doesn’t care. If the former, I’ve got no problem with that, no deal breaker. If the second, it says something about your personality that is a bit too devil may care for me.
I think that sometimes, some things ARE deal breakers. For me, smoking isn’t one of them, (and I can’t honestly think of any for me except pedophiles & rapists are absolute no’s) but my friend’s mom died of lung cancer when she was younger. She is terrified to start a relationship with someone who smokes because she can’t stand the thought of losing them early to something avoidable. I can understand her point.
Smoking is 100%, ALWAYS, a deal breaker. After growing up in a house of 5 people, all of whom smoked – or still do – at one point or another and constantly dealing with the horrific smell and splitting headaches, there is nothing I have less tolerance for than smoking. You don’t even want to get me started on how truly repulsive it is. Even to know someone does it, let alone when you’re close enough (~ a block away) to smell that stench, is enough to turn my stomach. UGH! And just knowing that smokers care so little about themselves and others that they happily (and legally!) kill other people every day? What about this is ok on any level?? Here’s the question I come back to time and time again: if it’s not a deal breaker or an obvious issue, why do so many smokers try to hide it? I’ve been lied to by multiple men (online dating – woo-hoo!) who were smokers but figured I wouldn’t like it so pretended they weren’t. If it’s not a deal breaker, what’s that behavior about?
Eh. Substitute anything that makes a person smell terrible, and you could tell the same story. Like, if you had an infected flesh wound and reeked like one of those carts they used to cart away the dead (in Monty Python) during the Middle Ages. It’s possible someone could like you despite that, sure. Some people have gross qualities that are outweighed by their nice qualities. *shrug* We all do our own cost-benefit analysis.
Also, some people are interested in dating people who are living lives they’re unhappy with; some people help each other get by, and that’s nice. But some people have their own acts together (I’m not judging anyone’s habits, just whether you’re happy with whatever those habits might be), and want to date other people who have their own acts together. So, plenty of us would say that we would not date someone in the throes of any kind of addiction, or who is actively engaging in behaviors that they wish they weren’t. (I also wouldn’t be that interested in a man working in a dead-end job who wishes he could switch careers, but can’t quite bring himself to do it. Similar! I have high standards, and it really hasn’t posed a problem).
Sorry, I posted that prematurely. I meant to say something like: to each her own, of course — it’s hard to say there are any universal dealbreakers. (Women still write to Scott Peterson in jail!)
It’s also a peculiarly modern idea that many young urbanites feel that they shouldn’t couple until they’ve completely got their shit together. In earlier times, of course, you might couple right out of high school, and no one expected that you’d have your career, finances, education, exercise regimen, etc. in place.
I have a confusing stand on this. I’ve struggled with smoking since I was 14, but in the past year have been on again off again, so I could date a guy who was a non-smoker because I’d feel bad about myself, but I couldn’t date a guy who was a smoker because what if I want to quite for good and I can’t because he smokes?
I think it just means I’m too fickle to date anyone.
Sorry, but smoking is a deal breaker. Why should something as unpleasant as a constant odor, bad breath, wasting money, risking our well being by getting seriously ill, and all of the other disadvantages of smoking be something I should have to put up with for a lifetime? It’s amazing how so many women want a man to have good looks, a good build, a good job with a good salary, be kind, brave and loyal but then think they should be able to engage in a habit that is proven to be so terribly bad and he should accept it. Smoking limits your partner choices, your job opportunities, and reflects on your image. That’s just the way it is.
I really dislike the smell of smoke, but if he never smokes around me or tries to come near me while smelling of smoke, I suppose it’s okay. I have some friends who smoke, and honestly, while I accept that it’s their choice, it bothers me to see them be so cavalier about their health.
So I guess…if we’re casual and I don’t have to be affected by it, whatever. But if I love you, I want you to care about your health as much as I care about your health.
This picture is ridiculous. avecjambon’s comment is uncalled for. I’m lucky enough to have someone tolerant of my smoking habit (although, to be fair, he’s the one that was the smoker first. It used to bother me a lot but now it appears that we’ve switched roles as smoker and non-smoker…)
Smoking is a deal breaker. I can only imagine how desperate a man must be to marry a woman who already has kids from another man and smells like shit and doesn’t care about her health. Yuck.
Wow…I can only imagine how desperate a person must be to want to marry/date/befriend someone who presents themselves as judgmental and nasty as you just did.
Being a raging douche canoe is a deal breaker for everyone.
Forgive me if my French is rusty, but doesn’t avec jambon mean ‘with ham’?
I was one of the people who voted in the previous article’s poll that yes, smoking is a deal-breaker for me. The way you presented it, though, was something that was revealed after you and your significant other were already involved. I think the other article was coming from a just-met-them, getting-to-know-you, first impression place. Honestly, if I just met someone and he reeks of cigarette smoke, his appeal is going to go way down.