The Porn Question Continues

Over at Psychology Today, an article from 2005 on porn has been republished — and unsurprisingly, most of the questions remain unanswered. Do partners have a right to control their S.O.’s porn habits? Does it make women feel inadequate? What about the 50% of women who also watch it in their own spare time?

All of which makes me wonder: if, in this age of rapid technological change where porn is only becoming more and more readily available, we haven’t been able to answer questions from the dark ages of 2005, will we ever be able to?

The article tackles the questions that arise not just around porn, but around relationships in general – fantasy, the fact that men (and women, although the article doesn’t really mention women) fantasize about other people, and so get pissed about their partners watching porn that some even equate it to cheating:

The feelings [of anger about porn-watching] may arise from an unrealistic understanding of fantasy in adult sexuality, suggests marital therapist Michele Weiner-Davis, author of The Sex-Starved Marriage and founder of Divorce-Busting, a therapy and coaching service aimed at saving marriages. Partners, even long-term ones, may have never discussed fantasies. “On the conservative end of the spectrum, some wives are upset that the husband would think about any other images or other women,” she says.

But the question really is, where do those feelings come from? I can speak for myself here in saying that the only times I’ve ever felt threatened by porn is during a dry spell in a relationship. The feeling came from my own insecurities about whether or not I was satisfying my partner, that were triggered by porn consumption — not caused by porn consumption. Also, part of me feels like if you have such differing opinions about what constitutes cheating — a very, very major question in any relationship — maybe there are, I don’t know, bigger problems regarding compatibility.

Either way, there is some good news about porn, too. For one thing, it can help couples learn how to change it up. According to psychologist David Schnarch, author of Resurrecting Sex:

“Erotica, as well as couples’ own masturbatory fantasies, can be useful tools for helping them develop as adults.”[...] Fantasy is certainly a part of a healthy sex life, and porn does contribute significantly to the archive of sexy scenarios in our heads. It can also inspire couples to experiment more.

And men aren’t the only ones looking. One study showed that up to 50% of women look at porn too. But unsurprisingly, no one really knows how men feel about it:

There is little solid research on how men feel about their female partner’s porn use [... ] Some men clearly find it sexy, perhaps seeing her porn interest as a sign of a woman’s experimental nature or aggressive libido. But writer Pamela Paul argues in her new book, Pornified: How Pornography Is Transforming Our Lives, Our Relationships and Our Families, that while many men hope their partner approves of (or at least tolerates) their own porn interest, they may be critical of a girlfriend or wife who uses pornography herself.

Uh-huh….yeah. Well, that’s some bullshit. I haven’t read Pornified (it’s also not new anymore), but, seriously? I hope never to meet one of these guys. Because that’s just asking for a slap. You like looking at other women online who flaunt their sexuality, but God forbid your own woman does it! Yes…one partner not allowed to be sexual. And people wonder why couples in long-term relationships often have flailing sex lives….

At any rate, these questions don’t seem to be going away, and funny enough, they are probably the same questions that have always plagued relationships, but now with a new digital spin. So raise your hands if you think we’ll be seeing the same questions, with the same lack of answers, in 2015…